For I am JUST a Cookie...

Saw this photo on someone's Facebook page the other day and I just LOVED it:

Thought it was a perfect reminder that in fact WE are in charge of what our future holds. Well, to a certain extent anyway... I know we can't control everything. But we are more in control than we give ourselves credit for. We can't rely on the way the stars and planets line up, what images emerge in a crystal ball, or the words printed on a tiny slip of paper in a stale cookie. And we can't blame others or make excuses for the undesired outcome.

Nope, it is NOT the cookie's fault.

And this is a reminder to myself that usually it comes down to just making the decision I KNOW is right for me, and I know I just need to DO it. Sounds like a cheezy Nike commercial, but it's just true.

Having said all that, I have a million New Years resolutions. Here is the short list:

1) Absolutely no soda this year. Not a drop. It's bad for you and has a million useless calories.

2) Drink more water. Keep a glass of ice water by my side at all times.

3) Stretch every day. I lost so much flexibility this past year.

4) Take my joint supplements. I bought 2 packages of the chewies and I have NO EXCUSE not to take them.

5) Learn to meditate. Ugh. This one is so hard for me. I can NEVER clear my mind, not for a second.

6) Learn to let go and accept what is. This is a fine line for a mother, I know, but too many times I think I have a choke hold on my children, pushing them too hard... and I know (from my own experience) what a lifelong emotional toll that can take on a little human being. There's a difference between a parent who provides firm structure and one that expects too much.

7) Forgive myself for my shortcomings. I have so many, and all I can say is that I am aware of them and want to change them. I guess the first step is to not become sad or angry about it, but just accept that life is an evolution from the day we are born to the day we leave this world. I am open to this change.

8) Stay as organized as possible. Stick to the calendar, keep it updated, or things will spiral out of control and so will I.

9) Call my loved family members more often; make the time. This past year I have not made it a priority and it will become an enormous regret later if I don't change it now.

10) Walk Una every day. Good for her, good for me.

And the list will go on...

Run or Rant?

So I mentioned the other day I started reading the blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat. Perhaps I should be a little worried that I am amused by someone's rants about other people... but let's face it... there are some FREAKS out there, and if they lived in isolation and never mingled with the "normal" people in society, then there'd be nothing to complain about. But the FREAKS continue to mingle so it gives the author lots of subject matter, and it IS kind of funny.

Not to steal anyone's unique idea (and I won't), but lately I've considered renaming this blog "People I Want to Slap Upside the Head," because lately I've had too much exposure to those FREAKS. They seem to be crawling out of the woodwork like termites all around me, and since stress has brought my tolerance level to a minimum, I feel myself reacting to them instead of ignoring them (see my last two posts about evil and stupid pet owners).

Just when I thought I'd washed my hands of the madness and was decompressing, another termite emerged out of the woodwork yesterday, and sent me reaching for that can of super toxic bug spray.

So, I was mindlessly taking out the trash yesterday when I heard the most awful string of screaming profanities coming out of a neighbor's driveway. A workman of some sort had his truck parked there and he was screaming at someone and I couldn't help but stare in disbelief: "You f@#$ing sh$%!!! GET UP!!!! I'm gonna knock you OUT!!! etc etc etc!!" As I looked closer, I saw a shepherd dog crouched by the door in terror, ears flat and eyes wide. He couldn't move because he was so afraid, and because he wouldn't move the man screamed and threatened louder. Now I did not see the man strike/hit/touch the dog, but his voice and tone were so scary that I was afraid of what would happen next.

And then my horror turned into anger. I took a deep breath, and in my threatening moon and stars robe and my plaid pajama bottoms I marched over there and said: "Hey!!! Please stop yelling at your dog like that!!"

The man, already in a fury, turned on me and screamed: "I can say whatever the hell I want to my own damn dog!!! I never touched him!!! He just vomited everywhere in my car!! Mind your own damn business!!!"

Startled and a bit scared by his reaction, I couldn't help myself: "He couldn't help vomiting!!! And I don't appreciate the profanity!!! Get a GRIP!!!"

"Well, I apologize for the profanity! But this is MY dog and I can say whatever I want to him!!!"

I stomped away, came inside and sat down, shaking and on the verge of tears. I went through my options. Call the cops? Call Animal Control? Nah, I had no grounds, really. He did not strike the animal. But Lord, if he had, I'd have had Animal Control out there in a millisecond. In my book it's still abuse, anyway. The look of terror on that animal's face said it all. I wanted to strangle that man, and take that poor dog out of there, but... instead I will just wring my hands and complain about the evilness of some people.

I only have one more thing to say about it: if you've gotten to a point in your life that you are verbally threatening an innocent creature for doing something it had absolutely no control over, then you are one sick bastard and need some serious therapy and anger management classes. And don't be a pet owner!! Bastard!!

Okay, enough before I sign myself up for anger management classes, too (which may actually be a good idea at this point). The Man and some friends were a *bit* concerned that I confronted a "crazypants." They have a point.

So all of this made me think of my poor dog, of course. I miss my Fritzy boy so much it hurts. I wanted to come inside after reprimanding that man and give Fritz a hug but he wasn't here. Oh Fritz, I miss you so much.

But our family has some wonderful news. Tomorrow (yes, tomorrow!!!) this young lady is coming to stay with us!!!!...

Una Buna Boo.

This is Una, my daddy's (Mexican) Scottish Terrier and we've all agreed that maybe it would be a good situation for her to live here with us. My dad is retired and they like to travel, and even though I know they love her to the moon and back, dogs are quite demanding. We're home most of the time and the kids should keep her hopping. This way she stays in the family. I just can't wait. I just cannot wait to have her here with us!!!

*Sigh*.

Back to running. No, I'm not changing my blog to "People I Want to Slap Upside the Head." I really DO want to focus on my running and training.

So I RAN yesterday!! It was on the treadmill, but I just had to wimp out because it was pouring rain outside... so I tried to make it useful by turning it into a tempo run. I got through it!!! I was worried there for a little bit around mile 2.5... I get this queasy feeling on that darn rat wheel and I usually want to jump off after about 20 minutes... but I forced myself through it by continuing to bring the pace down. Wooohooo! 5 miles in 43 min! I felt awesome afterwards!

7 miler today outside in the sunshine... and hopefully I do not run into a single termite...

'Tis the Season for Resolution

So, for anyone who bothers to read this, hope your holiday was wonderful... whatever you celebrate. Our Christmas morning was packed full of indulgence... the Scientists had so many gifts to open that we had to take a break and eat for refueling in the middle of the unwrapping process. Now THAT is craziness. Who does that? We are a very blessed family. And we better never forget it.

So last week it was pretty obvious that stress was eating me up alive and I just let it get to me. I was turning into that cynical, bitter person who looks at everything around me with disgust and frustration, when in reality I was feeling those things about myself. I kept trying to find some Zen and all I could come up with was the desire to strangle someone. Not exactly the Christmas spirit, eh? And the funny part is, when I got enough time to recollect myself and step away from it, I realized I had no good reason for it.  Just need to relax a little more and accept the fact that occasionally it's okay to say that I can't manage it all. That I have limitations. That I'm not good at certain things. And it's not the end of the world. The sun will rise again. Let it go. And I have a plan to help me achieve that goal.

So it's time again to reflect back on a great year and look forward to the next one.

What a fabulous year it's been for my running. I really put the training in and it paid off with a series of PR's for every distance I entered... 5K, 10K, 14K, Half and Full Marathons. I feel so pleased about the fact that I showed myself it was all possible with a bit more discipline.

I had so much fun getting out of the box and running an overnight ultra distance relay race with friends. It was an experience like no other, and probably my favorite running event I've done to date. And here I thought my running was such a solo activity. To share in the achievement with others, especially friends, was a feeling I just can't describe in words. The adrenaline rush lasted for days...weeks, even. I hope to do it again sometime. But since I'm such a stress freak I may not opt to be the team leader. Someone with a very organized yet more laid-back personality needs to volunteer themselves.

Probably one of the more meaningful things that I have done with my running is joining the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training. I have really looked forward to our weekly group runs, and sharing a meaningful goal of raising money to fight blood cancer and honor my cousin's memory. It just puts meaning behind each stride besides the feeling of self-accomplishment, and again, I cannot describe that feeling in words. I've even considered staying involved with the group in any way I can after the marathon. We'll see how the next couple of months go, and where it takes me.

So I cannot tell a lie; I haven't run a single step in over a week. I could go on and on about how guilty I feel that I wasn't strong enough to overcome my stress and lack of motivation... but wallowing in self pity is as non productive as climbing back into bed and giving up totally. I may feel like I've just set myself back light years in my training program, but I know that isn't true and I just need to shake off the blah's and pick myself back up and get back on track. It's as simple as that when it comes down to it.

Feeling grateful?? Yep... today I am feeling pretty thankful that I have not come down with any of the nasty cooties that EVERYONE seems to be coming down with around me. They're dropping like flies one by one around me yet I am still standing. Here's to good health. Better get back out there and do my run because I KNOW the running has improved my immunity.

'Tis the season for resolutions... and I have a huge list of 'em for this year, and I'll continue to remind myself of them as often as I can in hopes I will pressure myself to keep myself in line.

One of my goals is to keep it simple, by minimizing the junk. Excess crap stresses me out and then I lose it. Take, for example, that we just introduced a whole truckload of stuff into this house. There's crap everywhere... because the kids literally have no space in their closets for the incoming "junk." So we are developing a strict "for every in, there's an out" rule. So the Scientists have chosen items that they will give up in order to keep their new item. And we will donate the given up items to our local orphanage.

Off to run a 5 miler... back in business!!!

Thou Shalt Not Judge

Okay yesterday's post was over the top and I knew as soon as I typed it I'd regret it. This is what happens to me when I don't run. I lose my mind. For those who know the common saying "running is cheaper than therapy" I am here to tell you that it's true. I need to keep up or I'll go insane.

But it just wasn't meant to be today. The insanity continues. Ended up back in the urgent care facility bright and early this morning with another sick child, holding her down with all of my body weight while she was shrieking "I am gonna DIE!!! I am gonna DIE!!!" as my wonder-ace phlebotomist hit his second target from my brood of little chickens.

Diagnosis: Bronchitis. Nebulization. Antibiotics. A day at home with the Man.

Then it was off to work for a zillion hours.

So, every year I tell myself the same exact thing. I will not judge people that seem incredibly stupid to me. I will not make mean, sarcastic comments about them to my co-workers behind closed doors. I will not do this because I believe in karma and the powers that be. Evil thoughts and comments bring about evil luck. Yada yada yada.

And then... someone stupid walks in. And the whole thing goes south in a heartbeat.

So today a youngish and very tatted couple bring in a new Husky puppy that they just purchased from a pet store for a million dollars... financed. They have trouble making eye contact with me as I introduce myself. The lady is a grump and does not acknowledge my introduction. The man stares at one of his tattoos as he tries to answer my questions.

Me: So how's "Maverick" doing?

Tat Man: Fine, I guess.

Me: Is he eating well?

Tat Man: I guess. He eats from one of those self feeder "thingies."

Me: Well, it's better to feed him measured portions so you know he's not getting too much or too little.

(Man stares down at tattoo while grump lady shrugs and eye rolls).

Me: So... how are his stools?

Tat Man: Excuse me?

Me: Stools? Bowel movements????

(blank stares)

Me: POO???? Does he POO???

Tat Man: Oh yeah, he poos.

Me (deep sighs): Does he have DIARRHEA?

Tat Man: I don't think so.

With increasing annoyance I go over pup's needs. Shots, parasite prevention, all of it. I mention that topical flea and tick control is highly recommended. That's when grump lady pipes in with a very condescending tone...

Grump Lady: We have FIVE children at home and another one on the way! No WAY am I putting nasty chemicals on my dog!

Me: Not to be smart mouthed, but look at that over-sized flea collar you put on your puppy's neck. That has more dangerous chemicals for your family than the product I am proposing. Not to mention it's pretty darn ineffective.

(eye rolls)

Me: And speaking of parasites, since you have such young children you should really start your puppy on internal parasite prevention. There are a couple of parasites that can infect human children. One dose for this month is about $7, and it will cover him for a month. You can get another dose when he comes in for his vaccine next month.

Grump Lady: I don't have seven dollars.  (Turning to Tat Man) You got 7 bucks??

Tat Man: Nah. We're gonna pass on that. We're gonna take him to that place where we can get his shots for cheap.

Me: Well, then you all ski-daddle and have a great holiday, okay??? Good luck with Maverick!!!

And I walked out the door with a fake smile on my face and threw my pen on the desk in exasperation.

I wanted to SCREAM:

1) You have FIVE... no, make that SIX children (I shudder at the very thought of this) and you decided to finance a puppy from a PET STORE???????

2) You don't have SEVEN DOLLARS to buy him a month's worth of parasite prevention?????? Even after I told you your kids were at risk?????

3) You acted QUITE RIGHTEOUS about not putting "harmful chemicals" on your pet for your kids protection yet you had a harsh insecticide collar on your puppy's neck and you can't afford to buy a SINGLE dose of parasite prevention for the sake of your pup and the kids?????? I can't quite tell if this is sheer hypocrisy or pure STUPIDITY.

4) You have FIVE.. no make that SIX kids and you don't know the term BOWEL MOVEMENT????

5) Exactly how much did you spend on all those tattoos? More than SEVEN DOLLARS, I'd wager!!!!

AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! God help me!!!!

So much for my "Thou Shalt Not Judge" idea.

Thank goodness there was a bottle of wine with a big bow on it sitting on my desk before I left for home.

See, some of my clients are really, really SMART.

The Psycho Evil Twin is Back

I have a zillion fun pictures to post from the weekend... shots of us singing Christmas carols to unsuspecting neighbors (and even adding a Rockettes-like performance that solicited an encore request), and glimpses at our dozens and dozens of cookies we lovingly baked in our annual holiday "Cookie-a-thon" that I hosted at our kitchen this year. All of these things are wonderful, and should give me great reason to be chipper and full of Christmas cheer.

Unfortunately, for reasons I have trouble explaining to myself, I feel more like the lady who writes the punch people in the throat blog, or that mean lady who came into the clinic the other day and chewed me a new one. I feel like my EVIL TWIN has taken over. Maybe the mean lady was contagious with a vicious "fury" virus and breathed it on me, or karma is working out in the mysterious ways that it does... or MAYBE, just maybe, I am just stressed out and angry because I just can't find a way to make it all go away.

Every once in a while I feel overwhelmingly selfish and just want to hide under a rock for a while until the buzzing in my head stops. Sounds a little creepy... buzzing. But that's the best way that I can describe it. Too much going on, too many things to do, and I feel frozen. Instead of organizing my to-do list and going into crazy-productive mode I curl up in a ball and do mindless things like blogging. It's so weird. I can't explain why. I really hate that about myself. I'm jealous of people who clear their heads, keep their focus, dutifully complete all of their tasks and have a smile on their face all the while. Not a care in the world. It's all good, right?

Bah, humbug.

I know... what happened to the grateful thing? Well, I'm still grateful about things even though I'm in a sour mood. I'm grateful to be alone for a little while this morning so I will refrain from snapping at or decapitating anyone. I'm grateful for good tasting coffee and Tracey's coconut cream cheese cookies. I'm grateful the Boy is back to hugging me after days of giving me attitude about his computer video game privileges. I think he realizes I'm on edge... he probably senses it's best not to mess with me right now. The Man has not fared so well. In the line of fire. BANG!

I need so much to get out there and run, but I'm too angry and too stressed to break through that motivational wall and make it happen. I don't know what to say. Maybe I can just blame all of this on hormones and call it a day.

Some people are unapologetic about their bitchy moods. No remorse. It is what it is. Take the bad with the good, buddy, because we all have our crappy days.

Unfortunately, I hate my evil twin and I feel I need to apologize for her existence. Every time she emerges, the weight hangs heavy around my neck and I try to think of how I can make her go away permanently.

Which brings me to the goal part of the post. It would be easy to say "I just won't behave like that." But I think we all know that our behaviors sometimes are reflexic, and need to be conditioned out of us with time, persistence, and discipline. The root of all of this is my response to stress, and why again am I stressed?

The answer is pretty simple, as it is for most women. WE EXPECT SO MUCH OF OURSELVES. We're constantly comparing ourselves to others... she can do it all. No, she can't. No, I can't.

Last night I caught myself having totally ridiculous thoughts. We were watching a TV show, and the main character had a falling out with his girlfriend (who is a sweet, loving mother) and decides to take up with some Playboy sexpot chick who's throwing herself at him. I'm all disgusted. This lady is Miss-I-Want-You-All-The-Time and I hate her for being that way. I want to throw up by the end of the show as they flash from the abandoned girl sitting with her kids all alone to the bedroom where the guy's with Miss Thang doing you know what. I wanted to hurl my shoe at the TV and scream "BASTARD!!"

Meanwhile, my Man, who literally dozes off with EVERY episode is wide awake and smiling. He turns to me and says, "Wow, that was GOOD." He's just all about this, giggling and thinking this whole situation is awesome. I look at him and want to gouge his eyes out. Seriously?!?!? Or you're awake now, aren't ya?

Now I realize this is just a TV show and what person in their right mind should allow pure fiction to translate into real life? Well, since I am stressed I have an inappropriate string of thoughts. Man likes Miss Thang. Man wishes I was Miss Thang. Man wishes he had his own Miss Thang around instead of a bitchy stressed out baggy pajama wearing freak like me. Man approves of the main character's behavior because what man in his right mind wouldn't??

Needless to say I was ticked off. Lord knows, I shouldn't be, because that's completely and totally psycho, but I wanted to punch him in the throat. Because he was wide awake. Because he was smiling and giggling at the cheater and his new ho girl. Because I am not Miss Thang. Because I am not ready for Christmas. Because I haven't run in three days. Because I am bloated and the kitchen is a mess.

Needless to say, no one was giggling or smiling after our final conversation of the evening.

This morning... after my third cup of coffee and after a tiny bit of rational thought has crept into my head I decided Miss Thang has her own set of problems. First of all, sexually transmitted diseases are not all that fun I hear. She gets PMS like all of us I'm sure and will be on the rag soon. And if I'm reading into the foreshadowing messages the screenwriters seem to be sending I think she's actually more psycho than me. Miss Thang is going down.

There's always an upside to everything. Gotta be grateful for the upsides.

The Dreaded Holiday Newsletter

I don't know how I came upon it (probably a Facebook post, as usual) but somehow I found myself reading a few posts on the blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat. The first post I read was about people who send out those wonderful annual holiday letters with tireless summaries about each family member and their accomplishments. You know you've received them. The author gave a hilarious example of the typical letter content:

Dear Friends and Family,

 We are so blessed to have you in our lives. Merry CHRISTmas Everyone!  Our children, Margaret (a precocious 9) and Hank (13 already??) continue to dominate the honor roll with straight As, perfect attendance, and Hank was voted Best Hair again for 2010 while Margaret held on to her Nicest Smile crown.  This year we had some time to do a little traveling and managed to squeeze in a cruise to Alaska, a trip to Hawaii, we backpacked through Europe and then a mission trip with our mega church to build homes in a village in Belize (the best trip EVER).  Ken got that big promotion at work he's been trying for and that afforded us the opportunity to buy Barbie....the 2011 Honda Odyssey completely decked out!  Woot!  When Barbie's not chauffeuring the kids (and 20 of their closest friends and teammates) to their bazillion and one activities, she loves, loves, loves her Bunko slash Wine group and training Mr. Boots (our award-winning Field Spaniel) for the upcoming Tri-County Dog Show.  Mr. Boots had a cold last year so he didn't place, but Barbie is working hard to get him back in competing shape.  We know he can do it!  This is the time of the year that we are so thankful for our friends and family.  We send you our best wishes for a New Year!  Don't forget to look us up if you come to town.  We'd love to host you in our home or our lake house or our ski chalet - we love company!

Yeah, I was laughing, too. Sadly, however, I was an author of many of these types of letters myself back in the "day." It got to a point a few years ago that I decided handwriting Christmas cards with updates on all of our highlights of the year was virtually impossible. Perhaps if I was quarantined to a jail cell in the remote wilds of China for a month with just a desk, a pen, paper, and my address book, I could pull it off.

But with the miraculous inventions of email and social networks like Facebook, most of the people that actually CARE about how we're doing already know. They've read my emails, seen my online photo albums, perused through my blog posts, and checked my occasional Facebook updates. The people that WANT to know how we are probably know even MORE than they should.

So... no holiday greeting letter from us. The Man used to HATE when I would write them. He'd roll his eyes when I'd type about hard he works and how he's obsessed with volleyball. That the kids were doing great in school and their respective sports. "No one cares about that stuff," he would say. But I had to be one of those Ultra Competitive Moms. I had to share all of our greatest accomplishments. Now I realize everyone really does just want to roll their eyes. Kinda like when I post that I've just run 26.2 miles. The first time it was noteworthy. The second time was old news and I was just a show off. Then the third time I became a freak. Non-runners just ignore me and don't want to hear another peep about it.

Speaking of running (oh yeah, that's what this blog is about)... I had a real crappy training week (I'm not going into THAT gain), so I was nervous about my group long run with my Team in Training buds. But that's the miracle of agreeing to run with others. It's harder to make excuses and you show up to save face and then suddenly you realize you did it! I've done so much training on my own the past few months I forgot what it was like to have the extra incentive you get when you run with someone else.

With Shannon a world away in Hawaii, I was wondering if I could find another person with a similar pace and goals to do long runs with. My questions were answered after the second group run.

The only other "freak" in our TNT group doing the full marathon in March is this young, twenty-something dude who, oh-by-the-way-is-a-triathlon-coach. The first group run I found myself keeping up with him. By the second run we ran the second half of the run together, and this time we just ran the whole thing together, because I told him if I could hang with him, I'm sure I could reach my goal. I probably slowed him down but he was just too gentleman-like to say so.

I was a bit sluggish but the convo really kept me alive. "K-Boy" (I call him this because I don't know if he would appreciate his name showing up in an obscure blog without his consent, and "Boy" because had I been a knocked up as a 17 year old I could easily be his mother) is a recent graduate of my beloved alma mater, Virginia Tech. I am grateful (or appreciative, whatever word one should use) that he has accepted me as his old lady shadow.

We ran 13.3 miles in 2 hours and 2 minutes on the soggy trail. Not bad for a lady who's got to use wrinkle cream!

My goal for this week is to actually get the training runs in. Somehow. Some way. So help me God.

She's So Full of Crap!

Of all of the hats I wear... veterinarian, wife, housekeeper, runner, photographer, blogger,.. my "mama" hat is probably the one that feels like it bears the most weight most days.

And the one that seems to keep me up at night questioning every move I make.

As my children move out of the "little" stage and emerge into the "midpoint" of their childhoods, I'm frantically realizing that my decisions, actions, and reactions all can have major repercussions. There's no textbook on this stuff. And some days the "right thing" just doesn't seem clear.

Monday morning Girl Scientist #2 wakes up claiming that her stomach was bothering her and she didn't feel well enough to go to school. The stomach flu has been looming around the school so I wasn't surprised. I confess I did not take this news well. Mondays are my marathon shifts at work, and I often work 12 hour days. I couldn't possibly call in for a day off, so I grudgingly took her with me to the clinic. We have a bedroom upstairs for the overnight staff and I told her she'd just have to rest until her dad was available to pick her up after his work day and bring her home.

After a couple of hours she starts getting ancy, most unlike a child who's so sick she just needs to lie down. She watched me in surgery. I took her to lunch and she ate like a horse. She drew pictures. She was conversational, almost "chatty." Most UNLIKE a sick kid.

When I come home from work she is watching cartoons and seems very normal. I think it's over.

Thank goodness. I have a million things to do, errands to run, and I only have a few more days 'til Christmas.

The next morning...

I can't get her out of bed. She's sobbing. She feels like she has to throw up and her tummy "really hurts bad." So I realize there's another day of this. Oh well. It is what it is. I decided to try to run on the treadmill since I couldn't leave the house (ugh). No errands. Kept her in bed and she seemed absolutely fine through the course of the day. Eating, chatty, no vomit. I ask if she's pooping. Yes, she says.

So we wake up on Wednesday morning, and here we go AGAIN. She's dying. Now her throat hurts. She couldn't POSSIBLY go to school like this. I feel my temper rise and my sanity coming unglued. The dilemma: is she sick or not?? What is going on here???

So off to the doc we go. I miss my scheduled holiday breakfast with friends. I have a 6 mile run scheduled for the day. What, on the tready??? I think not. I have a zillion things to do that DO NOT INVOLVE SMALL CHILDREN. 

We sit in the doctors office. For a LONG. FRIGGIN. TIME.

She complains: Why is it taking him so long? I'm bored.

 Seriously?!?!?

Doc FINALLY makes it in and examines her. Her tonsils are "a touch red" but there are no other abnormalities. Rapid strep test was negative.

So he says: So she has a little bug but nothing serious. She can return to school when she feels up to it.

Seriously?!?!? Three days of missed school for a "little bug"?

She asks me if I can take her to get a frozen yogurt because she was so good at the doctor's. I'm starting to get seriously pissed off. No, she didn't get any yogurt.

Day Four. She's not "up to it." She says her stomach hurts again. I am starting to sense a Peter and the Wolf phenomenon, and am beginning to lose my composure. I start turning ugly like that woman in my office the other day. I feel the non-remarkable doctor's visit validates my anger. So I tell her (quite SHARPLY, mind you):

If you stay home today you will stay in BED. You may not watch TV, you may do nothing but sleep, pee, poop, and drink. It will be the most boring day of your life. A sick kid wouldn't mind it. A well kid will find it like a living hell.

And so she stayed in bed. There was some crying involved. Why can't she watch TV? NOTHING. Stimulus deprivation. If this is a mental game she's playing with me, she will lose.

By the evening we think it's all over. She reports she feels better. We ask if she plans on going back to school. She says yes. Aha!!! The "jail cell" approach worked!! Too damn bad it took me FOUR DAYS to use it!!!

Friday morning we all get up. She dresses herself. She acts perfectly normal. I feed the herd breakfast. Just as they are ready to shuffle out the door to the bus stop, she falls onto the floor (I kid you not) and starts crying.

My tummy hurts again!

I totally lose it. I swear the neighbors must have heard my voice! I was OVER IT!!!! And I realized at that very moment that I could never, ever win a Mother of the Year award. In fact, if someone sane had witnessed my outburst, they would probably see if they could get my parenting license revoked. She was going to try to pull this for ANOTHER DAY!!!! DAY FIVE, people!!!!

I was so angry, I debated whether I should drag her to the bus kicking and screaming (because that's literally what I would have had to do to get her to school), or throw her back into bed, slam the door, and get myself collected.

I decided not to drag her to the bus.

I walked around the house, literally muttering out loud to myself. I truly felt distraught. What if there is really something wrong and we're missing it??? What if I'm angry at her and there's really a problem? Could the problem be THAT serious when she asks for McDonald's and frozen yogurt after the bus leaves the stop?

So I take a deep breath and tell her:

I'm taking you to an urgent care facility. I'm going to ask them to run several tests. There will likely be needles involved, but if you're sick that's just what has to happen. ARE YOU SICK???

And she said yes.

So off we went to urgent care.

We had the best experience there. They got her right in, took all of her vitals. They ordered bloodwork and X-rays. The male nurse hit her tiny vein despite her kicking, screaming, and flailing in terror. That dude deserves to win a major award! I need him at the veterinary hospital!

And the verdict is in: she was sick. Well, sort of.

She is full of crap. Literally.

Despite my Miralax dosing, she is obstipated (really constipated), and there's a bunch of gas behind it giving her bad cramps. Good call on the X-ray because her abdominal palpation wasn't very telling.

Back at the ranch, I've loaded her up with Gas-X, Miralax, Gatorade, and even better.. SUPPOSITORIES.

She's had a really bad day.

And I'm still super grumpy, because we've had to hang out by the toilet all day. She needs my assistance, poor baby.

So... Mother of the Year Award. Not going to get it. Anytime. Soon.

So am I feeling grateful??? Well, of course! I'm grateful she's okay and that it's just a little pooping problem and nothing more serious. I'm grateful I didn't inflict bodily harm (although whether I caused psychological harm is yet to be determined). I'm grateful none of my neighbors called social services on me.

My goal is to not lose my mind this weekend. We've got A LOT going on. I need to hold it together and try to manage the stress. Not getting my runs in this week has not helped at all. It's funny how it can be so hard to get that run in even though you know that when you do, you'll feel so much better.

I run 13 miles with TNT tomorrow morning. A bit worried that my lack of training this weekend will make it a rough go, but sometimes you just have to work with what you've got.

When Someone Gets Ugly...

So I said I would start every post with a reason for me to be grateful. I have to say that some mornings feeling grace isn't so easy. All the more reason to keep this exercise up.

So, I am grateful for my job. That's saying a lot given yesterday's fun moments. Typically, because I am a professional (so they say) I get treated respectfully. I can count on one hand in my 14 year career the number of times a client has "snapped" at me or even used profanity. I suppose I am luckier than most. But luck wasn't in my corner yesterday. And even though this has NOTHING to do with running, I'll share the story just for cathartic purposes.

A gentleman carries his 70 lb Bull Terrier into the clinic because he cannot walk. The dog's left rear paw is so swollen he cannot bear weight on it. I review the dog's history (I had personally never seen this pet before) and examine the beast. He has a SEVERE case of skin allergies... so bad in fact that his entire body is covered with infected skin, even his toenails. I sense right away that the swelling is likely due to cellulitis (or infection within the tissues under the skin) but I noticed two things: 1) there was crepitus (or a "crunchy" sensation) in his metatarsal joints and 2) his lymph node on that leg was 5-10 times larger than it should be. Because of these circumstances, I recommended an X-ray of his paw to rule out bone infection, bone cancer, or any occult fractures. The man agrees. We carry the dog back to X-ray. The X-rays show some arthritis (cause of the crunchiness) but nothing serious. We cleanse the affected paw and apply some topical medications, and I get several prescriptions geared towards fighting the infection and pain together. I walk back to the exam room to discuss the findings.

When I walk in the man's wife has arrived and she's standing there with a horrendously angry look on her face. Scary angry. Before I get a word out, she snaps "Why in God's name did you take X-rays on my dog?" So I started to explain my reasons for pursuing an X-ray and she's rolling her eyes and cuts me off. She says that every time she comes in here and doesn't see "Dr. X" her bill is run up. Had I even bothered to read the history on the chart I would have KNOWN that an X-ray wasn't necessary. She is sick and tired of everyone trying to make a buck out of the situation. Her dog has allergies. This is all from a split toenail. Dr. X would have seen that, but she just couldn't get an appointment with him.

She is speaking to me so rudely and condescendingly I am taken off guard. I felt pure anger and venom rise in my blood. This was a test to see if I could keep it together.

I had to tell her to stop talking for a moment, it was THAT bad. Meanwhile the husband is cowered in the corner, eyes cast down, shoulders slumped and silent as a tomb.

I told her it was this simple:

1) I read her dog's chart and was aware of her dog's history. I suspected an infection and told her husband so. I didn't appreciate her accusing me of not reading the record.

2) Her dog's paw had an abnormal palpation and a severely enlarged lymph node. Had I NOT suggested an X-ray, I may have missed a serious diagnosis such as bone cancer. How would she have felt about my job as her pet's doctor if it was missed?

3) Her husband had the option to decline the X-ray. He did not.

4) The bottom line on her bill does not affect my salary. I don't earn a commission based on how much more money she spends. What does this mean? It means I recommend what I think is BEST for the pet, not for the hospital's profit. She is flat out wrong if she thinks my motivation is to earn more money for the practice by recommending frivolous tests.

5) If she prefers to see another doctor and does not trust any of the rest of us to make the right recommendations, she should schedule the appointments with Dr. X ONLY. Honestly, I would prefer this (and I said this to her) because I did not appreciate her disrespectful treatment of me and the situation. I did the best that I could for her DOG. And it is about her DOG, right?

I think this says it in a nutshell: after my points were made, she turned to her cowering husband and hissed: "This is all YOUR fault!"

I literally felt nauseous as I looked at his crumpled face. He still said nothing. Not a word. Lord, I felt like causing bodily harm but I just made myself walk out of there.

A few hours later, I decompressed. I told Dr. X about the whole thing. We agreed that some people have real problems, and cannot cope. The filter is gone. We just stand in the line of fire because we are there at the wrong moment. It's SO HARD to do, but you have to take the situation for what it truly is. It wasn't about me. This lady is seriously angry and depressed. And I feel so sorry for her dog and her husband too. I hope they find some peace soon because she's causing people to suffer!

Am I grateful for my job? You bet I am. I have a job. I earn a paycheck doing something I feel has meaning. For the most part I am treated with respect, kindness, and gratitude for what I do. I do the best that I can. I'm not perfect and could always do better, but I know I do what I think is fair and right. I'm under NO pressure by my employer to do anything but what I feel is appropriate. And THAT is something to be very grateful for.

So... what is another goal for the upcoming year? I really have so many. Some are very specific like "no soda for an entire year" and some are pretty vague like "have a better attitude." But given the latest situation I would like to evolve into a more even-keeled mama. We mamas walk a fine line: we need to be a drill sergeant all the while showing compassion and encouragement. There are days I feel frustrated and recognize the "tolerance level" has dropped significantly and I remind myself a bit of that angry client I had so much disdain for yesterday. I catch myself snapping, and it fills my heart with regret and sadness for those (mainly my loved ones) who stand in that line of fire.

It takes the ability to recognize that you are unraveling, and the discipline to keep it from happening. To gain back the rational side of yourself and think before you speak. To realize that your actions can cause others around you to hurt.

My scheduled training distance is 5 miles. I hope to make this week as close to the plan as possible. I've decided my goal of running the marathon in 4 hours or under is a reachable goal. I can do this, but I have to put in the training. Holidays or not, I will make the time.

Passing the Baton... or Volleyball?

So I am going to start a new format for my blog. It's purely experimental. Who knows if I can keep up with it. But we are on the verge of a new year, and I have big hopes for 2012. I'm in the mood to set the bar higher, so I hope to motivate myself by being very clear about my goals.

First, I will start off my posts with a reason for me to be grateful. There's ALWAYS a reason to be grateful, even when you feel like there isn't, and anger or self-pity has swallowed you whole. Remembering that your life and your circumstances, however grim they might seem at the moment, pale in comparison to others. Bringing it back to what's truly important helps the anger and sadness seep away.

My first and biggest reason to feel grateful is my immediate family: my husband and my children. I often wake up some mornings and wonder how it is that the stars lined up so perfectly and allowed me to be so lucky. I am truly blessed every day that I have with them. We have built an inner circle of love and trust. Every day we strive to make our lives filled with happiness, and it is our dream that our kids reflect back on their childhoods with joy and satisfaction. I can only hope, that despite the mistakes I've made, I make, and will inevitably will make, that they will see the big picture: we want them to live full, productive, and rewarding lives. I want them to honor their health and their minds. I want them to always know what's important. And I want them to know that life is a gift... make it count. Take nothing for granted. Waste no opportunities to be the best you can be. I could go on and on about this subject but I'll keep it simple: I owe my happiness and my life's meaning to my husband and our children.

A goal for the upcoming year: to spend more time encouraging my kids to keep physically fit. All of our kids are active in sports... in fact we may be a bit overzealous in this department but the statistics are clear. More and more kids are fighting heath problems far too early because they are not getting off the couch. Boy Scientist loves himself a video game. In fact, he loves it so much we have to put restrictions on his computer access. If he (and the rest of the rug rats) can strike a balance, then it's my hope it will be a habit they carry through on to adulthood. I wish I learned how important fitness was to both the body and mind earlier than my late 30's. Oh well, it's never too late.

So today's training goal was to be an easy 4 miler. Instead, it turned out to be an easy 3 miler with Girl Scientist #1 and her volleyball teammate. We sang Christmas carols like "Jingle Bells" and tried to name vegetables that started with every letter of the alphabet. I loved every minute of it. Who would have thought two girls, age 10 and 11, would want to run 3 miles with an old mama like me?

Nothing inspires me more than seeing my kids getting out there and giving it their best. Because it's way too easy for them to say no, but they choose to do what isn't the easy way out. They choose to do what's best for them, what makes them feel strong.

Pass the baton.

There is No "I" in Team

As usual, I started off the week fully prepared to take on my training schedule and not skip a beat. After an encouraging long run with my TNT group last Sunday, I was feeling pretty strong despite my foot/toe pain. I told myself during that run that this was going to be it. I was going to prove to myself that I am capable of so much more than I have already done, and that if I can just stay disciplined and stick to a plan, it will really pay off in March.

Then Tuesday came along with my prescribed 5 miler, and my fears of not having prepared AT ALL for the holidays kicked in and I just gave up the idea I was going to fit a run in before my shopping errands and work shift. So no run.

By Wednesday I told myself there would be no more skipping. To punish myself for missing the day before I hit the only park in our city that has "hills." It was 70 degrees outside (WTH?) and I overdressed. I was grumpy and not in the mood. The prescribed distance was 6 miles. But by mile 3 of running in the "heat" and up and down 2 mini-mountains, my feet were aching, I was out of gas, and I was just over it. I quit early and hit a few more stores and got some more gifts purchased. Whatever.

Thursday the temps came down a bit and I got my mind right to get out there for a 5 miler around the neighborhood. Oddly enough I took my cell phone; this is not a usual thing I do because my iPhone is bulky and cumbersome. As I hit mile 3 the phone rang and it was the school saying Girl Scientist #2 was in the nurse's office with a fever. So thus ended my 5 miler at 4 miles. The good news: I picked up the pace to get home and it wasn't half bad. Unintentional tempo run?

Friday I didn't want to push any distance on the asphalt to prepare myself for Saturday's long run. So I biked instead. I went about 13 miles I think. I was tired. Who says biking is easier than running? If you're keeping a respectable speed (I was trying to stay 12-13 MPH on my hybrid) it can let the steam right out of you. My legs and butt felt a little like jello when it was all said and done. Guess that's a good thing.

So... this morning was my second group run with our local Team in Training chapter. There were TONS more people there than last weekend. Guess everyone was recovering from the 10 miler last weekend that I skipped. It was a bit chilly and windy but otherwise good temps. I like running on the trail this time of year (no biting bugs) and it's softer on my aching toes. I had 12 miles on schedule for today.

I've decided I really like running with others. The first 5 miles I was just following other teammates, using them as my pacers, but most are doing the half instead of the full so they turned back early. At the halfway point I caught up with the only other person who is training for the full that I know of. We decided to hang together the last 6 miles, and the convo really helped. He is a TNT triathlon coach and ran cross country from 8th grade through high school. He hopes to complete his first marathon in 3:30-3:45. Whaaaaat?!? I told him he was going to be my pacer.   If I could seriously hang with him for most if not all of the race, that would be something. We ran the 12 miles in about 1:48... not bad for a training run!

I realized that having others around to support and motivate you really helps you past the mental roadblocks. Perhaps I can't do it as well on my own, but I think I can do better with a team. I still need to work on the self-discipline; I will need it when I don't have anyone around to push me. In the meantime, I think joining TNT may have been the best decision I have could have ever made. I could see myself not wanting to give it up once the Shamrock is over.

Contemplative "loner" moment in Mexico last month

So I am really going to try to use my blog to outline my specific goals from day to day, and to reflect on the things I have successfully changed to remind myself that I keep improving when I stay consistent. And I will also use it to remind me to be grateful, every single day, for my health and the ability to keep strong. I may be getting older every day, but I really believe I am getting fitter and stronger. It's far too easy to use the excuse of age to keep us from trying. I will fight that tendency with all my might. I feel better when I move.

Upcoming Week's Plan:

Tomorrow: An "easy" 4 miler
Monday: Rest, yoga
Tuesday: 5 miler
Wednesday: 6 miler, indoor volleyball
Thursday: Tempo 25 min
Friday: Cross Train
Saturday: 13 mile long run with team

My Name Is... Hey, Look! There's a Squirrel!

I don't know if it's my age, the fact that it's almost Christmas and I'm completely unprepared, or that I've just plain lost my mind. But this is basically how my thought pattern is working these days:

 Every cotton pickin' year I go through the same syndrome, and I always promise myself it will not be like this next year. And then the first week of December springs upon me and I have done nothing. I wake up in a panic, wondering how I can miraculously create more hours in a day.

Just when I try to get my mind right, the distractions start kicking in... the checking of the emails, the perusing through the Facebook status updates, the combing through the endless advertisements and catalogs. The clock has not been kind. My time management skills and organizational habits have gone completely out the window. And here I am blogging. Gotta love my priorities.

The upside: I was productive yesterday and got a lot done.

The downside: no running.

Speaking of running (see, my thoughts really are jointed), I actually was able to make my very first group run with Team in Training last Sunday. About 8 people I think? One other guy was doing my distance of 10 miles. It was a trail run and the weather was perfect. My pace was kinda meh but it's okay. It was my first long run after the marathon and I was okay with it.

Did I mention my TNT coach is THE leprechaun for the Shamrock Marathon events?

He really is great and spent some time advising me on using tempo runs as the main may to bring my pace down. I was telling him that without Shannon to force me on the 400 meter track for speedwork, I didn't think I could get myself to go it alone. He was really encouraging and I think these group runs really will save me when it comes down to it.

Off to try to make more hours in a day.... hey, is that a squirrel? I wonder who's on Facebook now...

Mining For Motivation

So I have to confess this has been a very off week for my training, and it's such a shame. I came home to Virginia and the weather this week has been so depressing, my routine was disrupted, and then I got the news about my feet being all arthritic and all of a sudden my bubble just burst and I couldn't find my motivation. 

I KNOW what I need to do to get on with things. I need to stop thinking about it and just get back to where I was. For a while I was in a rhythm and it just became the norm. I've let it slip away, and let my negativity creep in. I need to come to terms with setbacks, because we all have them, and embrace the challenge. Hatch a plan and move forward.

So... need to explain the reference to mining in the post title. One of the highlights of our trip to Mexico (for me, anyway) was driving south back towards Los Cabos from Todos Santos. The weather was strange (by Mexico standards, anyway). We actually experienced a bit of desert rain:

Thanks to my sister for taking a lot of these cool shots.

And we came upon an old mining town called El Triunfo. Here was our first glimpse of it from the road:

In the late 1800's gold and silver were discovered in the mountains, so miners from everywhere including China and the U.S. settled here. They built a big melting facility out of bricks, and the town was pretty built up for being in the middle of nowhere.

But once everything in the mines were depleted, the town just sort of dwindled by the 1920's. Most of the buildings have fallen into disrepair; this is actually part of some one's home:

But there are remnants of the structures left behind:

Gustave Eiffel designed this 35 meter high smokestack:

Pieces of old machinery lying around:

The Scientists really enjoyed exploring the tunnels and passageways created by the dilapidated buildings.

A towns person offered to guide us up the mountain a little bit to see the "English graveyard." Basically,  it was a small enclosed courtyard with about 13 unmarked tombs. The tombs were so large we assumed they enclosed several people each. But we were told it was only one individual in each tomb.

It always saddens me to see an unmarked grave, or one that has clearly been neglected or forgotten. It reminds me of our tiny presence in the big scheme of time, and often our impertinence. But it also reminds me that, depending on your beliefs, we are only given one life on this earth, and we need to choose to live it well. Any day could be our last. Make it count.

Isn't it interesting how traveling can bring such philosophical revelations?